stories of an invisible girl staring in the mirror

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So yeah, like I updated my profile last night and said: my journal is officially friends-only. 

The reasons: there are people I know on livejournal and if they're anything like me, they probably spy and lurk. And really, I talk shit in a roundabout way about a bunch of people. Even though I try to be vague, if you know me, then you can probably tell who the hell I'm talking about. So for that reason, I'm locking everything down, bitches! Maybe I'll leave a few fandom-related entries open, especially if they're linked to another community, but basically everything's locked.

Comment if you want to added or just add me and I'll notice (because lj rules my life) and add you back. I'm not too picky about who I friend, I only ask that we have some common interest. I warn you that I comment on entries sparodiacally, but I will comment sometimes. I don't expect anyone to comment on all of my entries either.

So yeah. There ya go. Whatever :)

Oh and credit goes, where credit is due:

Panic! At The Disco mood theme was created by </a>wearmyhat</span>
Gambit: Pick A Card Header was created by </a>crapnahalficons</span>

 

 

 

Yeah so Panic At The Disco is no more.

Don't ask me why, but I have a feeling Ryan Ross is at the center it all.
The guy has become a pretentious twat these last few years.
Just little things I've been reading and hearing make him appear full of himself.

So it's going to be Ryan and Jon vs. Brendon and Spencer, huh?
They're trying to make it seem amicable, but puh-leaze.
We all know there was very little friendly about this break.
Well, whatever.
Life goes on.

What twats.

happy belated birthday, jameson.
july 4 i missed you more than words can possibly say.
i didn't even have it in me to watch the fireworks.
life feels incomplete without you.'

i love you.
now and forever.

won't be long till you're back being an annoying piss-ant little brother and in my arms.

oh my god, i just watched Disney's Beauty & the Beast (for like the 500th time).
and guess what?
dude, i actually cried tears at the end when Belle cried for the Beast.
what the holy hell?!
i do not cry over movies.
last time, i remember a movie making me cry was A.I. (Artificial Intelligence).
that was a looooong time ago. (or so it seems.)
only thing i can think: Aunt Flow must be planning a visit soon.

This is why I can NOT take Adam Lambert fans seriously. Look at the comments in this post. They would think the guy's farts are musical genius. They can't even admit when he has an off performance like "Ring of Fire". They will not accept that outside of American Idol, he might not actually have a mainstream fanbase, which is important to selling albums. It's like they're all drinking some type of special kool-aid or something.

When you can't stomach any criticism targeted towards your object of admiration: YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Sure a lot of criticism thrown Adam's way is completely subjective, but some of it is valid and if you can't admit that you need to turn the internet off and do some self-searching. While doing so ask yourself, "Why the fuck am I so obsessed over a karoke singer?"

Most of my dislike and hatred of Adam isn't strictly targeted to him, it's to his fans and supporters. Most of which seem rabid. You can't issue one word of criticism without being accused of being a hater or being told "your opinion isn't fact", while it's implied that the Glambert's fan opinion is indeed fact.

It's really annoying and makes me want to pull a Joker pencil magic trick on a lot them.

before i even get into this, let me say: WOW.
yes, this situation has almost left me completely speechless.

just a little back ground before I begin to bore you:
i am the black sheep of the black sheep in my family.
no one cares for me or likes me besides my mom and bros.
everyone else things i'm evil, into witchcraft, wear too much black, and weird.
i am what they DON'T want the other grandkids to become.
because well, i have a mind of my own, can't be brain-washed, and have a hard time controlling the mind filter thing.

with that being said: my privacy was just violated and i'm pissed off, indignant, but laughing my ass off.

so anyway, i wrote a letter to my brother Jae who is in prison.
in the letter i wrote about how ungrateful my heart-attack ridden aunt was over the time my mom invested in driving from Cape Charles, VA to Salisbury, MD. it's about a 2  hour drive going and coming. Mom and I are on limited funds. No "Thank You" was ever explicitly given that I've heard or been told about. And said aunt has been acting like an entitled bitch.

So I told my bro she was acting like an ungrateful bitch.

I then went on about my cousin E. She got a new haircut and she looks like a butch-lesbian and I wrote as much. I also called her a religious fruit-nut because on a ride to MD with her, she barely spoke to me, and when I started to play some music (nothing raunchy or profane or suggestive because she's a missionary), she pulled out her Bible and read it. A snob and a bitch. (There's bad blood between her and I already.) Oh and she thinks Twilight is a good book, which I told my bro made her look like an idiot and I warned him to never read it.

So I wrote all this in a letter. It was more profane and what-have-you, but that's just how my bro and I communicate.

So my mom folded the letter up along with her own and gave it to my cousin K to get a stamp and envelope for to mail. In the car was my ungrateful aunt, my grandmother who thinks my soul needs saving, my cousin E, and of course K.

The story goes, my letter fell open on the floor and someone picked it up, read it, and that's where the hysterics come in. Yeah, right.

Grandma calls my mom ranting about where do I get off calling E a lesbian and a bitch, how I'm destined to burn in hell, and she told E to confront me. My mom tells her how unplausible it sounds that my letter "fell open" with how it was folded and that they purposely read it, which that they had no right to do. My mom also questions why E didn't call me herself if she had an issue. (E is 21 or 22). My mom then implores her to let E confront me and see how it turns out. Grandma proclaims E is not scared of me. My mom laughs. Grandma adds she knows I'm not scared E either. (Damn fucking right).

So yeah, I'm pissed off that a personal letter was opened and read because they were pissed at me for an earlier incident. (I said the word "damn" at my cousin K, told Grans to close her ears, and she did not follow said advice, so that's not my problem) Regardless of how they felt, that letter was NONE of their business.

I find it amusing because well it is. Much worse stuff has been said to me from the 4 mentioned people who all call themselves "saved" Christians. It's funny they're grinding their teeth and wishing me to hell. How is that for brotherly love?

And E confronting me? That'll be the day. She might and I think she will because they're going to boost her up to it. But I don't care because if they think the letter was a verbal slap, what I'll deliver in person will be a verbal bitch slap. I'm tired of this bullshit.

I'm always going to stand for who I am and NOT change just because they want to, which is what this all boils down to.

They hate that I listen to rock music; mostly like white guys; had sex before I was married; am not a Christian per say; wear black; think gays deserve to adopt, marry, and fuck happily; do not want to be married; dye my hair blue, red, green; and have profane mouth (which is mostly non-exsistent around them because guess what: I RESPECT their religion and them, even if I don't agree with them. I do admit to slipping sometimes but it can't be helped.) To them I am the anti- Christian Black Woman. They want to fix me. I DON'T need to be fixed.

There's plenty of other things which they think make me the bearer of the anti-christ but to be honest, I don't even remember it.

So I guess, I'll be mailing my own letters for now on.
I'm waiting for Grandma or E to run off the mouth at me.
It will not be pretty.
Nothing can justify what they "accidentally" read.
Fuck them.
I'm out.

*holds back tears of rage and the laughter of insanity*

yeah so Michael Johns did an interview stating he thinks Adam Lambert would be ripped a new asshole by Simon Cowell if he were on any other season of American Idol. Truest statement I've ever heard from anyone attached to American Idol. Well, The Glambert Crew don't seem to like the comment and poor Mike is forced to make a retraction stating he was misquoted and that he actually likes the Glambert.

Michael Johns, dear, you're a pussy.
Glambert fans, chill the fuck out.

I can just imagine the heart attacks Gokey followers are having because PapaJohns passed some criticism his way too.

I so, so wish the post onthe_flyboys wasn't f-locked for only members. They must of known it was going to bring the wank. But really, it's a Michael Johns and David Cook community, so why the fuck are the Glambert Train invading it?

Anyway, here's the post with my little melodrama with some Glambert fangirl. HEHEHEH, she doesn't like me assuming or calling her sweetie! Hate to tell you this, SWEETIE, but it's a southern girl thing. Can't help myself. Oh and the LAST WORD, you can totally have it, dear. Especially since you never once defended your viewpoint or explained your serious stance or whatever bullshit you started to go on about. And I'm sure Johns is teh scared that you're going to diss him in your MAVID FAN FIC.

Stupid fucking fantards lol
Have a goodnight, sweetie.

ETA 2:21 am: I left the community because I could see it becoming a dogpile and all they post is David/Michael smut and I'm really not a big fan it. So just for the memories I have the text of the mentioned wank that I'll put under a cut-tag.

   
( thanks for the memories, even if they weren't that great! ) 

Son of ETA 2:54 am: Well, so the bitch mod matertenebrarum threatened to ban me lol lol lol Which is kinda a non-issue since I saw this coming and removed myself the comm anyway. To grace you with her parting words:
( the power of Glambert!  )

So, way to blow shit of proportion. *applauds*  I thought I was through with this silly shit after my Backstreet Boy obsession when I was 13. I guess fucked up fantards come in all shapes, sizes, or ages.

i still do NOT get all the fucking adam lambert love.
he's toned it down and is the most interesting on idol, but the guy didn't deserve a standing "o" last night.
to be honest no one deserved a fucking standing "o" last night.

i am soooo fucking tired of lil rounds.
a few seasons ago the judges would be creaming themselves over her performances.
but she's pretty much a one trick pony.
she needs to stop being so damn stereotypical and do something out of the box.
but the woman has got to go soon because she isn't keeping up.

enough about fucking AI.

now about Wolverine: Origins.
a little "crystal ball" has lead me to believe it isn't worth the hype.
but i'm still going to see it bcuz taylor kitsch makes a hot gambit with a sexy accent.
oh and i just saw some gambit/rogue manips which i just knew were coming.
excuse me while i vomit in my mouth.
don't get me wrong: gambit and rogue have the definitive love affair for the x-men.
god knows i love those two together in the 90s cartoon.
but i just can't reconcile the rogue i know with how she is portrayed in the movies.
so i no, i don't see movie gambit and movie rogue as a couple and i think the actors who portray them are attractive alone, but fug together.
so seeing manips of them make me vomit in my mouth.

i've had a migraine for days which is why i'm so bitchy right now.
oh and my aunt had a heart-attack last week and i was back n forth from va to md to see her, until we took her home saturday.
imagine my stress level.
that's probably why i have a migraine.
her and i don't see eye to eye at all but family is family goddamn it.
i don't want anything to happen to that battle-ax.

so i watched the rough cut of X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
it was good.
not as gritty and dark as hugh jackman promised.
definitely needed more gambit.
taylor kitsch rocked the house on that one.
but i'm like what-the-fuck with deadpool!
i'm not even a fan of his and i'm disappointed.
silverfox should have been waaaay more conniving and evil.
but mostly it was good.
it's heads over X3.
i'm still going to see it in theatres.
just feeling a little let down.

wow, so i just got finished watching L&O and before that AI.
this season i'm not voting for anyone because there's no one i really dig this season.
but i still get sucked into watching anyway.

tonight was interesting because it was Motown Week.
and personally, i just thought this week was going to be a disaster.
but it wasn't as bad as i thought.

a few comments....
i thought it was very disrespectful of Danny Gokey to ignore Smokey Robinson's advice and not sing the end of the lyrics.
Megan Joy wasn't as terrible as the judges made her out to be (maybe the worster in me is coming out ha!)
Scott's arrangement was off tonight and so were the back up singers.
Lil Rounds not to stop blasting through the whole damn songs and actually sing. Like Keira said, slow it the fuck down.
Michael was flat out terrible tonight. He did not take it back church.
Kris Allen was okay. Didn't impress and sorry ladies I don't see the sexual appeal.
Matt was good, I enjoyed him.
Anoop impressed me again because before last week i didn't even know the fucker could actually sing. Just thought he was a gimmick.
Allison was good, but not great. She couldn't decide if she wanted to sexy or sad. Vocally she was good, performance wise not so much.

And Adam Lambert....
Glambert as his fans like to call him.
Let me say this plainly, i am NOT a fan of his. i have found him over-the-top and a trainwreck this season. And regardless of his vocal ability, shit like that distracts and ruins the performance.
Now that being said, I thought he had his "moment" tonight as Simon would say.
I'm a big Motown fan and I seriously didn't know anyone else could sing in such a pure untainted falsetto like Smokey.
Adam could and did.
It was wonderful to watch and very enjoyable.

Now that being said, I think the clean-up that Paula liked so much was a huge mistake. Adam could have come out without the make-up and finger-nail polish but still remained true to himself and give a great performance that would have been taken seriously. So it leaves me wondering, is he a changeling? How is he going to present himself next week? Before this week his look has been very consistent, if not calculated. And as much as I dislike Adam, I respect someone who tries to stay true to the imagine they cultivate. But this clean-up reeks to me because it seems like a ploy for AI to cover the fact that Adam Lambert is gay and make him more accessible to the female audience that is swooning over him. And personally, I think any woman who doesn't realize Adam Lambert is gay is a fucking idiot. It's painfully obvious but shouldn't stop anyone from being his fan.

So I would like Adam to stay true to himself but stop with the goddamn screeching and just sing.
I think that's the problem this season, not many people are actually singing.

Those are my thoughts for AI tonight.

dude, my fucking family.
just fuck them.

Edit 4:29 pm -
It's just an argument started yesterday tween my aunt and i.
it was me and my mom vs. my aunt.
i really, really wanted to hurt that bitch.
she started it.
but, aha, somehow me and my mom get blamed for it.

so i've decided to isolate myself.
i'm staying in my room until my bro works out some living arrangements for me.
i'm not dealing with any side of my family besides my mom and brothers.
the rest of 'em....fuck'em.

Some person named johnnys_a_prick posted a picture of me on ohnotheydidnt  in response to a Lindsay Lohan post.

Click this sentence to see the post and scroll down to see the pic of the black girl...me.


I'm just a tiny bit freaked out because I'm  not famous or internet famous or any type of famous at all.
I keep wondering how in the hell did he/she get my pic then I remember I have a myspace account which is linked on lj and the pic might be in my lj photobucket account because I have the same pic as an icon.....so I'm a little confused.

I left a comment asking where he/she got my picture.

*scratches head* little confused and freaked out...hmmm....



oh wait a minute....it's some type of meme where everyone sees one of their icons re-sized or something.... everyone's laughing about it....someone explained it ......whew.....never mind....

random-ness for tonight.

i'm addicted to dateline.
murder and creepiness intrigue me.
i'm starting to think ryan ross is a desperate, lonely man.
i just got a paid account again.
my grandma came out her surgery successfully. yah God!
i might start watching friday night lights for taylor kitsch.
he's all types of sex and makes my panties wet.
kevin and i are kinda/sorta on again.
*shrugs*
jameson got shipped out to a new prison.
*sighs*
i miss him.
feels like my life is on pause until he's home again.

motherfuckin cocksucker....i haven't slept at all tonight.
i think i've been awake 24 hours or will be in few hours.
motherfuckin cocksucker....i need my seroquel or xanax or valium.

i can not believe that fucking poseur on american idol got compared to MCR, FOB, and PATD!
he's a fucking poster boy for the whole emo phase.
he's a theater major; he probably looked up what look was most likely to get him noticed and decided to go emo.
and it's so fucking obvious.
to compare him to the likes of Gerard is an insult.

i jumped on up and down for ten minutes screaming with outrage.
and you know what, this douche bag is most likely going onto the next round.
just watch.

sorry, paula, new girl, and randy:

but wearing eye-liner, wearing pasty make-up, wearing black, and wearing girl jeans DOES NOT put someone in league with MCR, FOB, or PATD!

/end rant.
cleans up wank.

i promised myself i wouldn't watch this shit and always get sucked in.
there will NEVER be another david cook.

so for better or worse, i'm back....for a little while anyway.
got lots of bidness to catch up on.
as for what i've been doing....kinda drifting in and out of life.
i developed a sort of apathy for men.
i see them as dildos with a body, like a male-bot or something.
i don't know, maybe it's because i had a lackluster sexual experience with a guy i've fantasied about for years.
imagine how disappointing that was. waste of my time. totally.

and about friends. jeez, that's complicated.
i guess i just sort of disconnected from all my real life friends cuz i've become disenchanted with them.
is that the right word?
i don't know.
i just feel no connection with them.
and i'd rather be alone with my thoughts.

i guess i'm in a dream/haze state at the moment.
i'm not the same.
but do we ever stay the same?
don't we continually change from day to day, month to month; even in seconds?

hmmm. but shit doesn't get to me much.
i just don't care.
could be i've been off my seroquel and prozac for 3 months.
could be i'm just thinking and emoting clearly for the first time in a year.

who knows?
but i'm drifting....

david cook  had best win american idol.
i don't want to hear anymore bullshit from his fans, saying he's better off not winning.
if you're a true cookie, if you love his music, if you appreciate his artistry:
YOU WILL VOTE FOR HIM.

it's that damn simple.
that man deserves to be the next american idol.
he's busted his ass.
he's overcome all the criticism thrown his way and still held his head high.

i want cook to win.
and if you're fan, so should you. 

my internet's off so i've been hopping around from library to library.
still love david cook.
i quit my job tuesday because the manager is a fucking bitch.
she made a mistake on scheduling and i asked her about it.
and she just straight up snapped on me for no reason.
i wasn't rude.
i wasn't impolite.
i wasn't profane.
and the bitch accused me of sounding like a whiney child.

so i told her i was done.
she didn't care.
i didn't care.
let her get someone else to work graveyard shift.
so here's to finding a new job! 

dude, i have fucking graveyard shift tonight.
11:30pm to 7am. (not to mention the 4pm-12am shift i worked yesterday)
my period is on.
i feel hormonal and weepy.
i'm tired and achey.
and i have to be on my goddamn feet all night to errr...morning.

what bullshit.
at least my check will be pretty.
the only consolation i have.

i'm getting sleepy right now.
and only an hour till work time.
at least i have free drinks to look forward.
fuck corner mart.

work at 1:30pm to 6:30pm.
at least i'll be able to see American Idol and Cook tonight.
work makes me so tired.